Cpt. Smurf

The "acting as though" really gives away the next sentence, I think, when it could have been more of a surprise. Instead maybe mention what he did to make it ...

After all your comments I've re-written it. There still isn't that much action, but I feel it's a huge improvement to before. You may prove me wrong! I found it ...

Thanks, I'll bear all these in mind. Maybe I'll re-write the same thing differently. I'll be sure to update!

Thanks for that! I've edited the errors. I'm glad you enjoyed it, and yes I was going for creepy! (Makes quite a change. I have an annoying habit that means ...

Hey there! Welcome to YWS! It's good here, you get a lot of instructive critism, but you end up having to beg for crits if nothing happens! *Narrows eyes suspiciously ...

You just edited it, you say?? Maybe it didn't submit properly, 'cause it's exactly the same. If you're going to put stuff up for crits, please make sure that we ...

Hi! I thought this was an improvement on the previous version, you put across Sarabeth's feelings and emotions clearly and skilfully, much better than before. I don't know why, but ...

This is the prologue to a book that I will eventually write. I'm savouring that moment, however, for when I'm at a level of literary decency through writing other things. ...

Well, I couldn't quite tell whether or not this is adapted from the Inheritance trilogy, and whether or not it takes place in that universe. There are some obvious similarities, ...

I haven't written here in a while, but this is my next installment. And it's sickening me! For some reason the page re-loaded itself and I lost the whole first ...

Firstly, I agree with the whole present tense thing. About the story, it was quite good, but i think you need to describe the setting a bit more, although not ...

I've never actually read Eragon, and i've heard it's just a copy of LOTR, but i assume that you're a big fan, so i will say no more!! (and what ...

There is no point whatsoever in me pointing out the spelling/grammar mistakes, as that has all been done. I will, however comment on the plot, or lack of it. Now, ...

I don't get as much reviews as i would like, but then, i only review the bare minimum i have to in order to post my work up, so i ...

Heya! Here's part three! Looking forward to your comments! The city loomed over her. A thick layer of smoke hung over the rooftops of the tall buildings. Noise told her ...